August 2011

Many changes since I last posted, though each day I wake up needing my nebuliser and painkillers due to pains and headaches most days stretch out quite comfortable, comfortable in the sense of being bearable. I can get around with the use of aids and my oxygen and of course my array of medication.
Recently I had a Macmillan nurse come and see me and discuss my symptoms and help me with exercises and give me support, let me talk which I find difficult. I was offered a new bed, it is like those in hospital but better, not only does it raise your upper body and  / legs it also raises to about 4ft off the ground and....  tilts upright putting you in a standing position. It has a memory foam mattress and being a single bed I can get fab quilts having just bought the Peppa Pig one.. yes you read right, Peppa Pig.. I aim to get Kitty and some horse ones..  no boring quilts for me now..

Besides the bed I also got a stairlift, got it ourselves as the council would not help, seemingly they decide on what you bring in to the home disregarding what you have to pay out. So even though we are skint we do not qualify for one. Really stupid when you think the charities got me a brand new bed that cost me nothing and...  got me a second hand electric chair that looks brand new and gives me a new lease of life.

Each day I wake up wondering how I am gonna be, what am I gonna be able to cope with, little things like taking Jake and Red to the park is such a joy. I walk around the house getting my keys for the mobility scooter, my hat, my ipod and headphones, water and of course the dog treats. All the while Jake and Red are all excited knowing it is play time. I point to the stairs and immediately both boys leap up 3 ssteps so that I can put their Swarovski Collars on then its a scurry to see who gets to the scooter first. Red, I pick him up and put him in the basket as its a tad to much for him to walk to the park and back. However Jake likes to tottle alongside, such an independant little chap who makes me smile with love every time I look at him. Heck don't get me wrong I love Red too, he is such a lad, looks all innocent and is my little rascal but hey he loves his ma and always wants a cuddle.

My horses, I see them as often as I can but not as often as I would like, last week (its 1st September now) I actually felt well enough to have a little ride on Spike with Kim riding Kyle. That little ride turned out a little longer that first intended but boy did it feel good. It rained and we got soaked but my heart beat with sunshine all the time. I knew it would mean bad days later but at the time I didn't care, however the days following I was so ill I could barely move, I felt so ill, weak, dizzy, tired, could barely move without my legs near on giving way, constantly coughing and being sick, really bad pains and so unfocused. I basically slept during the day as I kept myself awake most the nights coughing. Funny thing was after the ride I arranged to do it again this Thursday (which is today) but I just knew I could not manage it, I even have to forget about a dog show I was entered in with Red at Birmingham tomorrow. Though I feel a lot better in comparrison to the last week I know going will make me ill over the weekend and I can't risk that.
Why ever not ...  well its my son's wedding on Saturday and nothing is keeping me away, I am so excited to be going.

Brian has offered to buy me a dress so on Friday when he gets home from work he is taking me shopping. I hope I find something nice. I can't wear anything I already have, not a skirt or dress as my stomach has swelled.
That's another worry, I dunno if its because I can't exercise or not but my stomach has swollen quite a bit and even if I loose weight my stomach does not shift, I hear and read stories about water retention, cysts, cancer etc and worry, not like I have enough to worry about anyway.

My worries, jeez I do have bad days, I can be out with the dogs enjoying myself watching them run around playing and suddenly it hits me, how long do I have to watch my dogs out playing in the park, seeing my horses grazing lazily in the sun, speaking to friends and family, then the tears come as I think the wot ifs of the operation itself.. How many years have I took life for granted, took people for granted even my pets. Yes I love them all but only now do I realise just how much I need them.

August has been a hard month, I am to see my specialist on the 5th September, no idea what is going to be discused as though it has been 3 months since I last saw him I have not had one letter regards any tests. I shouldn't think about things like this or write them as I just get upset. I am typing through a mist of tears now so its time to stop.
But before I go, if you have just had an argument, said some unkind words, think back, were they really needed, was the issue such an issue. Do you have a relative or a friend you keep meaning to phone, don't wait, go and make that call now. 

Till I see you again

Love always

Dawn x